"Happiness does not equate to the absence of suffering!" I learned this many years ago from one of my seniors. I always remind myself about this and not to let any circumstance from robbing my happiness or joy and I managed to transform a few significant life dramas into the inspiration to grow and keep growing my capacity for more.
Lately I testified my senior's statement again with my family experience and truly "felt this" again from the bottom of my heart. What else could be more definite and bigger than death! Yes it's about life and death struggle for about 2 weeks.
To cut the story short, my mom was admitted to hospital and was scheduled for an emergency operation she had to undergo. That's the beginning of our shared struggle as a family. Anything could happen during the operation and she was in critical condition after the operation. A normal bowel system operation and post-op recovery was complicated by blood infection that had the virus spread all over her body. Her heart, kidney and lung were attacked one after another. Her life was supported by a breathing machine, strong medications for her heart and antibiotics for her blood infection. Doctor sedated her for about a week to keep her from being traumatized should her wake up seeing all the machines surrounding her and needles poking all over her body.
When we were called to hospital the second day after her operation, her condition was critical, no breathing, super-duper high pulse rate (200+) like a time bomb that might have her heart exploded any time should the medical team not defibrillate her. Do we have faith that she would survive and her subsequent recovery? YES but not without any worry! Are we shaken by death? Definitely not, not even a second as we have the power of the universe - Nam-myoho-renge-kyo to tap into to revive her life force. In my prayer for my mom, I had already vowed she was not fighting alone, I was with her, my family members were with her. Her survivor and recovery was not an option for us but a decision that we have vowed and made... and we had also vowed to crush the devilish function that was playing our mind out. We were on guard every second without a moment of pause, the devilish function would take advantage should we slacken in our belief. Not a chance at all!
I was with her by the bed side in the afternoon and continue sending my prayer, clear and loud, to penetrate her life, to fuse with her micro universe so as to revive her life force. Slowly and steadily by each minute, her pulse rate reduced and her breathing came back despite her body was still icy cold due to poor blood circulation. By the time I left, her pulse was reduced to 120+-, I knew she was going to be fine, she would be fine!
She was put on dialysis system for 2 days to cleanse the virus in her blood and her heart rate was brought down by half from the super-duper high on the second day after the operation. I thanked the doctor in charge in the CCU, he said he felt sorry for my mom and concluded that that was the best they could do and her condition did not improve. I thanked him again anyway and assured him my mom would be fine.
Fast forward to today, my mom now is recovering well at home, gaining her weight back and eating more than my aunt. She answered my uncle sarcastically when my uncle asked if she could recognise him. Her answer was: "I had operation in my stomach, I am not having brain damage". See how fast she reacted! (LOL)
That one week in the ward, fifteen days in the CCU and the remaining days close to a month back in the ward was full of life drama be it her own or one of her room mates. My mom couldn't be left unattended 24 hours a day 7 days a week! We were there for her from tube-feeding her to cleaning her. Opening her mouth was as difficult as moving a mountain and she could barely move her fingers and her feet. I was with her for about a week looking after her at night until my pulse rate become irregular and shot up on the 7th day morning. I truly experienced what she experienced in the CCU and fortunately I did not collapse. We got a maid to help out after a week and I got to rush to hospital two to three times a day to make sure someone was there 24x7.
Do I suffer? Yes both mentally and physically. Do I begrudge my life? Yes when my heart rate shot up and no one understood my suffering but I did not succumb to my circumstance for long. I could choose an easy way out but I didn't. I didn't know how to reduce my mom's suffering especially when a suction tube was put in her throat through her mouth. She had tears in her eyes everytime the tube went into her mouth. My presence for her was the best I could offer her.
Despite all these, I chant with great gratitude and joy...and many times I shed tears of gratitude and joy during my chanting. I am grateful for the surgeon, doctors, nurses, staff that save and serve my mom. I am grateful that they did not give up saving my mom's life during the critical moment. I am grateful for all my friends and family members who were sending prayer day and night without fail. I am grateful that my mom took this suffering upon herself. I am grateful for my mom's compassion. I am grateful my mom pull through this. I am grateful none of my family members collapse at this critical moment. I am grateful that my family members united in our own way to support my mom in this trying time. I am grateful because I am grateful...
Two days before my mom was discharged, I suddenly realized that I am joy and happiness itself, no circumstance could take this joy and happiness away from me. I felt deep satisfaction and joy well forth from my life when I was awakened to this!
Happiness is not the absence of suffering. Again my experience testifies this.